Good-looking guys with nice style and nice build-I’m not impressed.

Smart guys with strong leadership-I used to admire them.. nah not anymore.

Kind guys who found additional questions and solutions for our core module online and emailed the entire class.  Aw so sweet! I am so impressed.  Simply because I don’t think I will do the same thing if I were him.  Muahaha..I like this type…kind and generous!!

erm..ok..back to study..

Okay, I cannot resist blogging.  So here I am.  One post on the last day of school, before reading week begins.  No more after.

Keep this short:

1.  I am super sian of studying! Just when I have the perfect reason to not do any CCA, I don’t feel like studying. And I am easily distracted by anything besides study.

2.  I am sleepy, tired most of the time.  Yet I can have insomnia?! BACK PAIN..really.. I don’t know why.  Signs of aging.  Ouch..

3.  Jackson Duo’s Performance is good.  CD album, not so.  I guess I still prefer fast-paced, up-beat songs which keep me going, rather than slow sad songs that amplify my sleepiness and moodiness.

4.  Just facebooked to see some photos of old pals.  And everytime I do that, I’ll be amazed at how much they change, and how gorgeously good looking they become.  And I will turn to find myself still the same old me, struggling with busy uni life and completely putting looks at the lowest priority.

Enough said.  BACK PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am driving a car on a bumpy road.  I don’t know where I am going.  I just follow the directions given/prescribed.  I feel like stopping the car.  Many think that I feel so because the road is bumpy.  Wrong.  If you didn’t realize, I have been driving on a bumpy road since 1 year and a half ago.  I’m almost immuned. I am used to the sound of the car braking, breaking down then restarting every now and then. You need to get used to this too.  The bigger problem, is that I feel like stopping, because I don’t know where I am going.  No destination.  No final picture.  My car fuel is not poweful enough.  The fuel has no fire of passion.  But I keep driving.  On and on.  But clueless.  And spiritless.

Questions that I ask, that puzzles me, that I don’t think most people can answer:

What are your dreams? What are your goals? If you reach your goals, do you reach your dreams?What is the purpose of your life? What kind of your life do you want? Would you say that your life is the way it is, by chance/circumstances or by choice?

I am taking my chance.  For now, it is my temporary motivation to study harder.  And if I get it, I will change my life.  I will define it the way I want my life.  No more living by the expectations of society.  It’s my life.  And if I don’t get it, I will still find a way to define my life, though it may be harder.

_________________________________________________________________________

Sometimes, it feels like nobody understands me.  Most people probably felt this way before.  And sometimes, I want to stop making myself understandable, and let the person to continue to believe that I am the kind of person he/she wants to believe.

First, I loose my confidence.  I don’t believe I can achieve what I want.

Then, I don’t believe in what I want, wondering if it is what I really want.

Now, I don’t like myself, the way I do things, the way I take everything, everyone so seriously, the way I think.

And sometimes it feels that I am noone, I achieve nothing, I am nowhere, and I wonder why I even exist.  What is my purpose living? What am I worth?

Sometimes I do try to be spontaneous, go a little crazy, but sometimes it feels fake.  A mask.  For whom? Myself?

I think too much.  I know.  But I can’t stop it.  Identity issue, life issue,…..

All I wish for was to be happy.  Maybe I need someone to tell me how.

Someone told me that there is no such thing as busy, but there is time management.  But I remain to feel that I am busy, things, works overpouring.  I stop planning, I stop thinking.  Cause I only get more depressed by it.  There is no point planning cz they almost always never work.  I just do what I can, almost everything last minute, be it studies/CCA.  I am highly inefficient.  But I cannot be sad over it.  I can only keep trying. But I am frustrated.  Very often.

Regretably, I am not a good student.  I am not doing well as IT director either.  So I reach no where now.  I gotta stop thinking such things.  Some things gotta change but I don’t know what and how.  And I should think about this at this moment.

Do you know that an undergraduate of a honours degree can have a starting salary of $2.7K-$2.9K, working as a teacher? visit http://www.moe.gov.sg/careers/teach .  Now, if I don’t like MSE (we’ll see in the next 2 and a half years), or if I don’t like a workaholic life, being a teacher can be a good backup.  It’s a totally different plan, different lifestyle, different meaning and purpose of life.  Before making this decision, I still need to see if I really want this/ like this.  Even after that, I wonder if I have the courage to choose this not so common path..

I have passed the crying phase.  But no, I’m still in the angry, nasty, easily annoyed and may be irritating mood.

At this stage, I take pleasure in:

-not eating vege if i don’t feel like it

-skipping lunch or have it somewhere else more peaceful though more expensive, because I don’t feel like dining in the crowded canteen, going rounds after rounds looking for seat, squeezing in human traffic to look for food, and that super long queue.

-ignoring acquaintance when I see them, rather than faking a smile.

-removing myself from social events.  Isolation.  Leave me alone.

Yes it is time for me to do things I impulsively want to do, not things I logically want to do, things I actually forced myself to do.  I don’t care.  This may sound childish.  But I don’t care.  I need to start treating myself well and meet my own demands and needs.  If I don’t, I may go crazy.

Some symptoms of going crazy:

-thinking about these stupid thoughts almost all the time, and come back to blog it.

-imagining my dog barking at my lecturer during class

As much as I want to stay in the happy mood, the just-after-bday-cum-go-home-mood, I can’t.  As much as I want to stop posting depressing things here, to avoid multiple comments on this and that, to avoid being seen as weak and incompetent, to avoid everyone from KL to Singapore worried about me, I can’t.  This is my way of channeling my feelings please I want to have this simple right.

Today is a bad day.  Woke up unwillingly because last night I got worried at how many tonnes of things I have to do, planning again and again to realize just how much I’m losing control.  Went for chem lab, failing my solubility test led to wrong recrystallization, redid recrystallization with another solvent, added too much solvent, extra step to boil them away, extended 1 and half hours of the allocated time for lab.  Rushed back to get laptop, lunch, met group mates to discussed for Accounting Assignment, CM lecture, Rushed back to have an IT meeting with hall office. Couldn’t stand Master’s horrible attitude.  Came back to my room, complained, scolded, blogged, scolded, some tears, blogged again.  And I haven’t eaten my dinner my friends packed for me.  I am too angry/depressed I cannot feel the hunger.  At this moment, all this feelings overtook me.  That’s all I can do now.  Delve in this.  I cannot study.  I cannot do any CCA work.  Even the jokes by the radio DJ cannot make me laugh the way I did few days back.  Play a sad song, I feel like crying.  Anger or tears? How to choose? The moment I finished being angry, I start to feel like crying.  And then I stop myself by being angry again, and this goes on….I want to scream.  Scream the hell out.  Then they’ll think it’s intruder LOL.  I want to sleep and forget about all these.  Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.  I don’t want to wake up until the end of this semester.  Sleep sleep sleep!!!!!

The hall points system is stupid!!!! STUPID! I don’t want to even bother to try to stay in hall.  If you don’t want me, it’s your loss.  Not mine.  STUPID!!!!!!!!!

I guess my dream is right after all..

Fine.  I need to be rational.  Don’t let emotions take over me.  Don’t let history repeats itself.  I guess being adults means tolerating jerks.  How to respect someone who doesn’t respect you? pure tolerance, there’s no other way.

:”{})*(&^%$#@@^*__()(_**&%^&$&$@?>

..about teeth.  Seriously, this is not the first time.  And it is also not the first time that I say “this is not the first time”.  Once, my teeth all came loose from my gums.  They started to slide along my gums.  like railways.  Today, my teeth starts to crack, and decompose into bits until there is none.  In most dreams, by the time I rush to the dentists, I’m toothless.  Talk about nightmare…

What does this mean? Psychologically? I am thinking this may signifies that I am afraid of losing something, something I take for granted, but if I take it for granted, I wouldn’t be afraid of losing it, would I???? But seriously, teeth??? What do teeth represent???  This is weird.

Anyway, I’m a pig..I really am… why the hell do i sleep so much!? AHHH!

really???

It is, if you mean to listen and understand your speaker in deep thoughts.  It isn’t, if you really don’t care to say a thing.

It is, if you feel so comfortable with each other, you don’t feel the need to talk when you have nothing to talk about.  It isn’t, if there is a strong sense of awkwardness, you feel oblidged to talk while you really cannot find any topic to talk about.

It is, if it cools down a tension or a conflict, you are trying at least to make peace.  It isn’t, if something is horribly wrong but you don’t voice it out.

It is, if it keeps you from showing off/talking cock.  It isn’t, if it is your way to hide, to avoid speaking in public, because you are scared/not confident.

Most people, those not close with me, regard me as quiet/shy.  Sometimes when they see me a little more excited, they are surprised.

Now really, there is an art to talking/or not talking.  Talking when it is appropriate, when you should; Talking the right things, the right way, for the right reason.  It is a skill, even some grown-ups cannot master.  Now who says only babies learn how to talk?